Long Distance Relationships—Can it work?
Distant lover, so many miles away. How I long for you every night, and sometimes, I yearn through the day… lyrics to “Distant Lover” recorded by Marvin Gaye
Relationships are challenging for most, difficult for some, and hurtful—to some extent, for everyone who accepts the risk of being in love. For those who venture into long distance relationships, however, the risk of being hurt is far greater. You see, the things that we normally expect in a relationship such as going out, spending quality time together, visiting with friends and family, and enjoying physical touch, are significantly compromised because of the distance. As a result, the majority of the relationship, in some most cases, will depend on communication using the phone, e-mail, text, instant messaging, and for the more tech-savvy, video-conferencing via Skype® or some other site. Despite the clear drawbacks of long-distance relationships, with the introduction of Internet dating, many people are now engaged in them and many, having met over the internet, find that they can get to know each other, fall in love, and break-up without actually seeing their beloved face-to-face.
In all honesty, the odds of a long-distance relationship developing into a serious committed relationship with longevity are very slim. The main reason the odds are so low is related to the lyrics of “Distant Lover”, highlighted above—the loneliness inherent in a long-distance relationship can be torturous and unbearable, especially for those who need significant amounts of quality time, affection, and attention. It’s this loneliness that can cause extreme emotional pain, create doubts and fears, and even cause physical pain for one or both parties.
So the question is, “How can long-distance relationships work?”
There are several main components that must exist in order for a long-distance relationship to work.
1. Meet face-to-face- Long-distance relationships are based on an emotional connection, which, for most, is enough to form the foundation of a deep love and affection. However, it’s important to meet early on the relationship to ensure that there is physical chemistry between the two of you. At the very minimum, your initial meeting should take place within one month of your introduction. This will ensure that, first, the person whose picture you’re staring at everyday is actually the person you’re talking to and that they haven’t misrepresented themselves, and second, that an attraction exists between you. There is no substitute for an actual face-to-face meeting, not even Skype®
2. Communicate often – Communication is the life source of a long-distance relationship and it may be the only source of intimacy between the two people. Knowing this, both parties must make a commitment to participate in frequent conversations with their beloved. Again, depending on whether your relationship is domestic or international, fulfilling this requirement can be very costly, and may quickly become troublesome as the need for conversation is overshadowed by the cost. It may be necessary to resort to instant messaging and texting instead of actual conversation in order to maintain a sufficient level of communication without going bankrupt.
3. Be prepared to travel- Travel is a critical component to the survival of a long-distance relationship. Visiting and spending time together gives both people something to look forward to, and represents a reprieve to the suffering created by not being together on a regular basis. Whether you decide to visit each other at home (which is recommended), or meet at some destination between both of your cities, significant amounts of travel will be required.
4. Be honest- Transparency in communication builds intimacy in a relationship. If you’re serious about having your long-distance relationship succeed, tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Trust is based on honesty, and is one of the most important aspect of a solid relationship. Without honesty and truthfulness in a long-distance relationship, ultimately, it, like most other relationships, will fail.
5. Consider and plan for the future- No solid, fulfilling, long-distance relationship can last, indefinitely. So, start considering and planning for the future immediately! If one person lives in a foreign country and the other in the US, determine which of you will move, and then find out what the immigration laws require you to do in order to make it happen. Talk about future plans often and early. If neither of you are willing or able to relocate, consider just being friends. If neither person is willing to sacrifice or compromise in order to be together then the relationship will be much more difficult to sustain.
6. Develop an exit strategy- Long-distance relationships are problematic, not only because of the lack of contact, but also because of the discipline necessary to stay attentive and committed in the absence of your loved one (and the presence of other suitable mates). Jealousy, accusations, suspicions, and controlling behavior can ruin any relationship and cause undue pain to both parties, but for long-distance relationships, the mental anguish can be especially difficult to overcome. If one or both partners find that they are tempted, distracted, or no longer willing to give their full attention to the long-distance relationship, have an exit strategy in mind. Both people must know and understand the risks of engaging in a long-distance relationship. Accept the risks and be prepared to walk away without any hard feelings.
Now that you have an idea of what to expect, go ahead and try long-distance dating! Life is an adventure!
©Sophia Avery, MA 2010
Sophia Avery, MA and Donavan Sterling West are a dynamic Relationship Counseling team! If you’d like further information or to have one or both of us speak at your next event, please visit our website at http://www.ChristianTalkTherapy.com or call 215-931-3070.
