What is date rape?
Date rape is when someone you know socially (but not family) makes you have sex when you don’t want to. It could be someone you meet at a party, or someone you love and trust, like your boyfriend.
They might use physical and verbal threats, emotional blackmail, or alcohol and drugs to force or trick you into having sex.
And it’s not just sexual intercourse − it can be oral sex or some other kind of sex. You may even agree to have sex with someone and then decide that you want to stop, but they force you to keep going.
Date rape can happen to women of all ages but young women between 15 and 24 are at highest risk.
While it’s mostly women who are raped, guys can be victims of date rape too. And, as with female victims, guys are usually assaulted by other men.
Sexual assault is a crime … Whoever commits it, or however it happens, sex that you have not freely agreed to is rape. Rape has nothing to do with love − it’s about power and control.
Who commits date rape?
Rape is almost entirely committed by men, and almost entirely against women. Women are the victims in 96 percent of reported rape cases.
An attacker may be:
your boyfriend
an ex-boyfriend
a friend
a workmate
someone you’ve just met.
Rape is committed by guys of all ages but the largest group of offenders is between the ages of 17 and 30.
Facts and myths
She says ‘no’; but she means ‘yes’. Does this sound familiar to you? I’ll hear people say all sorts of things about girls and sex – often very hurtful things based on mistaken ideas, or ‘myths’.
And when it comes to rape, the myths are very strong and very dangerous, because they excuse rape and blame the victim rather than the attacker.
Here are some of the common myths about date rape and rape in general.
What they say …
The truth
‘Rapists look evil’
Rapists are usually ‘ordinary’ guys, of all ages and backgrounds
‘Rape is committed by strangers in dark alleys’
In 80-90% of cases the attacker is known to the victim, and it may occur in your own home
‘Nice girls don’t get raped’
Women of all ages and from all different backgrounds can be the victims of rape
‘She was asking for it’
Drinking, flirting or dressing in a ‘sexy’ way is not an invitation for sex
‘If he pays for dinner and drinks, she owes him sex’
It doesn’t matter how much he spends, sex can’t be expected as a payback
‘Guys can’t control their sexual urges’
Guys are fully capable of controlling their sexual desires – it’s about choice
‘Girls cry rape when they didn’t enjoy it’ ‘She didn’t scream or fight back, so it wasn’t rape’
Only 2-7% of rapes reported are false claims (no higher than for any other crime)
‘She didn’t scream or fight back, so it wasn’t rape’
Women may be paralysed with fear – rape is rape, regardless of whether there’s a struggle
‘It’s not rape unless she’s threatened with a knife or a gun’
Many victims are scared of losing their lives and being hurt even when no weapon or obvious physical force is used
‘She didn’t say no’
There are many ways that people say no to sex without using the word ‘no’ (e.g. ‘I’ve got a boyfriend’, ‘Let’s just go to sleep’, ‘I’m not sure’, ‘I’d really like to but …’, ‘You’re not my type’, ‘You’ve been drinking’, ‘I’ve been drinking’, ‘I want to be alone’, ‘Don’t touch me’, ‘I’m not in the mood’)
Many people think that rape ‘can’t happen to guys.’ It’s amazing how strong and wrong this belief is in society. Men are supposed to be tough, strong and able to protect themselves. People think that guys can’t ever be forced into sex.
Although women are the majority of victims of adult sexual assault, it does happen to guys too. And as with female victims, guys are usually assaulted by other men.
Rape is frightening for anyone
Rape is a very frightening experience for anybody. Some of the things mentioned on this site will apply to both male and female victims of sexual assault, such as:
shame
self-blame
helplessness
fear of not being believed.
But it’s also different for guys
There are some issues to do with date rape that apply particularly to guys:
society doesn’t like to admit male rape happens
being a victim is very hard to handle for guys
guys may ‘punish themselves’ with self-destructive behaviour
for heterosexual men, it may cause some confusion about their sexuality (the truth is you do not ‘become gay’ as a result of being raped)
for gay men, it can lead to self-blame and self-loathing, as if they ‘deserved it’ for being gay (this is also completely untrue).
This is a very brief summary of this complex issue (based on information at http://www.free-to-soar.org/malesurvivor.htm). For more information see the websites listed below.
Getting help or more information
Sexual assault services help both female and male victims of sexual assault. You can talk to a counsellor to get support, ideas and information about what you should do.
Women Organized Against Rape: 215-985-3333
