By Joe Atkinson
Content provided by Revolution Health Group
Sasha, a 30-something career woman, admitted her boyfriend wasn’t perfect, but he had many of the qualities she sought in a man: good looks, sexual prowess and a high-paying job.
The problem was he never picked up the check. Whether they went to dinner or a movie, he’d always wait for Sasha (not her real name) to pay.
It wasn’t a question of means, says one of Sasha’s friends. The boyfriend, who was in his 40s, had a good job and drove a BMW to boot. He was just “really cheap.”
“Eventually, it stopped bothering her,” recalls the friend. “She said that everyone has his quirks.” This just happened to be her boyfriend’s.
The truth was Sasha didn’t think she could do any better. She settled for less than she deserved.
What is settling?
Experts say relationships like Sasha’s are common in modern America.
“Everybody settles to some degree,” says John W. Jacobs, M.D., a New York City-based psychiatrist and author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage (HarperCollins, 2005). “But when we talk about really settling, we’re talking about someone who has settled and agreed to be in a relationship where there is something really big that bothers them.
“They have decided that it is in their interest to live with that situation.”
In her book Is He Mr. Right? Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit (Harmony, 2006), Boston-based psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum explains that a healthy relationship must have the following characteristics:
physical chemistry or affection
real intimacy, or an “at-homeness” with the other person
fun, which she describes as “the glue of intimacy”
safety, trust and security with the other person
mutual respect
To Kirshenbaum, settling is accepting a relationship in which one of these “five dimensions of chemistry” is missing.
“Different people overlook different things,” she says. “But the amazing thing is that it functions as a kind of crystal ball. That means that five, 10, 15, 20 years from now, if a couple had problems in their relationship, it would be in the dimension that was missing all along.”
Settling young
Kirshenbaum says it’s not unusual to fall into a settling pattern, which can start at a young age. “You’re a kid the first time you fall in love, and what do you know about relationships then?” she asks. “You’re going with the cute person or the person who likes you or the person who everyone else likes and you want to get.”
When people get into relationships for superficial reasons, more often than not, those relationships end badly. That’s when self-doubt can begin.
“People feel like they can’t trust themselves — how could they do something so stupid?” Kirshenbaum says. “How could they not have seen the problems? So, ultimately, they feel discouraged and that they can’t trust themselves to know what’s good for them. Then they feel like they can’t find anyone else, so they settle again. Settling leads to more settling.”
By the time chronic settlers become adults, they settle for whoever comes along. Once they get into a relationship, they feel fortunate just to have someone. If the relationship goes south, they stay because they’re afraid someone better won’t come along. “Fear paralyzes people,” Kirshenbaum says.
Settling intentionally
Other people get into “settling” situations on purpose, says Jacobs. “There are two common scenarios I see in my practice,” he says. “The most common is ‘I was never that attracted to him/her sexually, but thought that she or he would be a wonderful parent to my children.’
“The second scenario is people who are dissatisfied with their economic status, or the ability of their spouse to earn a living. They expected more, and now are angry that they settled for someone whose economic potential is limited.”
Sometimes people who settle do end up living comfortably, says Jacobs. They either learn to love the other person or become satisfied with the basis of their marriage.
But more often, people who settle intentionally later regret what they’re missing. “We live in an intensely sexualized society,” Jacobs says. “As a result, many men and women who are not particularly physically attracted to their spouses regret not having a more passionate and exciting sexual life when they get older.”
Deciding to stay or go
Neither Kirshenbaum nor Jacobs advocates settling.
“It may, over time, turn out to be a good decision,” Jacobs admits. “But you really need to do it with your eyes completely wide open, [because] the problem with settling is that it’s always a potential thorn in your side.”
Early relationship problems can foreshadow even bigger problems down the road. Couples often don’t realize the stressors they’ll face once they’re married. If your boyfriend doesn’t pick up the check now, money may remain an issue for the duration of your relationship.
This is why it pays to hold out for Mr. or Ms. Right. After all, people who are single — and haven’t settled — often have strong networks of friends and lead perfectly happy lives.
“That’s why you never settle,” Kirshenbaum says. “Because something you don’t like and don’t want is worse than nothing at all.”
