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Ways to Spot a Liar

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, Guide

Here are some reasons your spouse might lie, signs that you are being lied to, and what you can do about it.

It is widely believed that nearly everyone lies on a regular basis. In an interview with ABC News on 1/0/02, University of Virginia sociologist Bella DePaulo remarked that some lying is necessary in everyday life.

Some Reasons People Lie:

•To avoid conflict.

•To supposedly protect someone’s feelings.

•To avoid the consequences of their behavior.

•To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.

•To hide something they did or did not do.

•Because they are afraid of rejection or losing their spouse.

•To be in control of a situation.

•To avoid being embarrassed.

•To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are.

You Could Mislabel Behaviors

It is possible to mistake nervousness or distraction for lying with the result of misreading or mislabeling your spouse’s behaviors.

Nonverbal clues to lying can be difficult to spot and vary from individual to individual.

The bottom line: If you think your spouse is lying, ask questions and ask for clarification if necessary. Trust your own intuition or that funny feeling you may feel inside.

Possible Signs of Lying:

•Touching chin, or rubbing their brows.

•Crossed arms or legs.

•Playing with hair.

•A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn’t a warm day.

•Saying “no” several times.

•Continual denying of accusations.

•Being extremely defensive.

•Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for.

•Inconsistencies in what is being shared.

•Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no”, but nodding head up and down.


•May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.

•Uncommon calmness.

•Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation.

•Being hesitant.

•Slouching posture.

•Rigidity or fidgeting.

•Differing behaviors. Not acting in a usual fashion.

•Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements.

•Partial shrug.

•Lack of finger pointing.

•Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure.

•Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know”.

•Lack of use of contractions. Prefers emphasizing “not” when talking.

•Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while they are talking. However, some honesty experts, like Stan Walters, say that measuring eye contact isn’t an effective tool in detecting deception.

•Lack of many pronouns while talking.

When to Confront

Some experts believe that when you believe you are being lied to, you shouldn’t confront your spouse with your suspicions right away. They recommend waiting until you have discovered more information and facts. Other experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a marriage, the better. Only you know what is best for your marriage relationship.