by Tom Miller
There are guys (and gals!) out there who do not wear wedding rings. Some of them have never had a ring (weird hand-fasting ceremonies, etc) and some just choose not to encircle the fourth finger on their left hand with a hunk of precious or semi-precious metal. I’m sure you know a few of them and their reasoning may even make sense. But a lot of the rationale is BS and doesn’t really hold up in the light of day. Here are our top ten excuses for not wearing a wedding ring.
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10) The Protection Racket: Insurance is expensive and feels like a rip-off. Don’t laugh, I have a good friend who leaves her ring at home because she doesn’t have insurance. Uh, maybe you can just get a hold-me-over ring until you get around to calling Geico (for your moneeeeey).
9) Ring Of Invisibility: Old Frodo went all transparent when they popped the One Ring on. Some women (and like 5 men) feel like they’ve gone into stealth mode when don wedding bands. Scrubs is a big fan of this concept, even The Todd won’t hit on a chick wearing a ring.
8) Restless Finger Syndrome: This mostly afflicts the dudes. There is something very foreign about wearing jewelry when you’re used to riding all naked-handed and some guys (and like 5 chicks) can’t help but fiddle. Get used to it, hopefully you’ll be rocking this uncomfortable hunk of white gold for the rest of your natural life.
7) You Must Acquit: This damn ring shrank. Nah, guy, your fingers got chubbier. It’s possible that you’re retaining water, if you’re a woman. It’s OK; you can get that ring resized or go on a number of finger-specific diets like the Dr. Handkins, Knuckle Watchers, Jenny Carpal, etc.
6) “Over-Gold”: Junebug died because of his weakness to gold chains and lots of folks see I’m Gonna Git You Sucka as a cautionary tale. Some men and women just don’t have room on their hands to put an extra ring. The Mafia don can’t stand the sound of his pinkie ring tinking against his wedding band, the winner of the 1992 Cotton Bowl doesn’t want to dishonor his buddies by taking off his jewelry and Sasha Fierce is not removing that full-hand ring for nothing, no way, no how.
5) I Ain’t Into That: Some men (and 4 women) just don’t like jewelry. They’ve never worn it and why start now? You’ll have plenty of time to sacrifice when it comes time to save for college, braces and whatever therapy comes from being the only family on the block whose parents didn’t love each other enough to show the world their commitment. Or you could get a tattoo of a wedding band and another that reads
4) What’s Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander: “My husband isn’t wearing his ring, so why should I?” The quid pro quo defense is hard to argue against. What is a marriage if not a, hopefully, life-long game of one upsmanship? “Fine, you may earn more money, but I get your idiot kids to school, clean, create all the meals, make sure the car doesn’t miss an oil change and seldom orgasm from sex, so where you at, big baller?” From there it usually devolves into name-calling and an exact accounting of what each member of the household contributes.
3) What The Fruck Is Symbology?: Did you read The Old Man And The Sea and come away with the feeling that Santiago was just an old man, the sea was just a big body of water and the fish was just a fish? You’re not alone. Lots of people don’t buy into the idea that a metal circle (with no beginning and no end) really means much. Those people are atheists and possibly swingers.
2) Do Not Try This At Home: There are some jobs that make wearing a wedding band irresponsible, dangerous and reckless. If a bandsaw could literally cut your hand off because it catches your ring, you don’t have to wear it. Likewise, if you could end up leaving your ring inside of someone that you’re operating upon; find a necklace for that sucker. If you’re job involves giving massages (groinal or regular) it’s OK to keep your ring in a safe place and it’ll help with tips (buh dum pah). And if you’re a married grifter but want to seem single to con a widowed mark into giving you their savings, shame on you, and probably lose the ring. The good news is, with all of these jobs, you can wash your finger at the end of the day and then put a ring on it.
1) Hungry Like The Wolf: The honest ones. I understand that it might really bug your mistress to see you wave that ring under her nose, but, as your girlfriend on the side, she’s got to make some sacrifices. You’re making some, you could be at home and stable and playing with your kids, but instead you indulge every exciting whim of a woman whom you’ll never love. Sacrifices. Same goes for a second family in another part of town. They’ll just have to deal with being number 2 (until your divorce goes through and you’re kids are grown and then you can be together without all of the secrets and lies, of course). Keep in mind that there is a special brand of individual that gets off on the idea of doing a married person. They are discreet and can pick up a wedding band tan from 2 counties over.
