So how did you get here? Trace back your steps. Oh that’s right you were in an argument. Can’t quite remember what it was about but it was ugly. Then they did that thing they usually do when they don’t want to argue anymore and now you’re on to a make-up round of sex. Isn’t make up sex the best? At times it can seem like the big blanket that you put over an otherwise messy bed. But seriously, does make-up sex covering up otherwise dysfunctional attributes of your relationship? Is the sex, the much needed commercial during the reality show you star in called” Relationship on the rocks”? Many of us believe that either a great sex can heal all things or perhaps spicing things up will answer some of the problems that loom.
Many would argue that sex is usually less about feeding a sexual desire and more about filling a void. Loneliness tends to be the purveying feeling that many combat with sex. Even within a relationship, you can feel extremely lonely. Sex in many ways is an over the counter (no pun intended) drug. It may help sooth some symptoms of issues but it most-likely cannot fix any serious ones. Perhaps sex in addition to other activities and expressions can help establish, maintain or improve the level of intimacy in your relationship.
The truth of the matter is, sex is overrated. The belief of good sex being the glue in a relationship is old and antiquated. When I was younger I believed that if the sexual intimacy and chemistry was excellent, the relationship would be perfect. However as in all things, they lose their newness. If you have been fortunate to desire certain things in life, what you’ll also find is that you can grow bored of them and those things can lose their luster. Great sex cannot keep either of you in a relationship but it can definitely make it a longer process to break up!
Great sex can actually be detrimental to your relationship as it can have the ability to alter the balance you seek to achieve. Understand that great sex is a beautiful thing; however it may focus too much time and attention on something that doesn’t support a great deal of communication. Let’s face it; no matter how much sex you have, you and your partner will spend the majority of your lives, fully dressed. Achieving balance is about getting to know and appreciate or understand everything about your mate. As you come to some disagreements, talking should be an option that you strongly consider. It will allow for you to talk through your issues and concerns so that hopefully you don’t continue to experience the same problems.
Here are a couple of things to consider when weighing the “good sex “factor amongst all things in the relationship. Depending on how you answer these questions, you may just come to the conclusion that although it’s great, it just may not last that long. The relationship that is…
1. Frequency- How often do you argue? Do you find yourselves arguing all the time over just about everything?
2. Definition- Is your relationship defined? Do you find that most of your arguments stem from a classic misunderstanding or misperception of the relationship as a whole?
3. Description- Do you find that your description of what you have is more sexual than anything else? Do you tend to focus more on the aesthetics and acrobatics rather than character and charisma?
4. Distraction- While the sex may very well be great, do you feel that the sex is really more of a distraction from the main issue at hand. Do you ever get a chance to address the source of those issues intelligently?
5. Consistency- Did your relationship always consists of extra emphasis on sex? Are you both still doing the things you used to enjoy experiencing with one another? If not then you should ask yourself why.
Ask yourself these questions and try to engage your partner in the discussion. Please do so with a desire to be open and genuine with one another. You’ll be surprised what you can learn about yourself and your significant other.
The other great news is that there are a ton of things you can do to have a healthy relationship free of good sex resolutions. Not that you want to take that off the menu but you get my drift. The solutions have to address all aspects of the relationship or it can result in a prolonged disconnect in your communication and the healthiness of the relationship. So remember; it takes more than great sex to be a good fit!
If you’re suffering from a broken heart, we can help! Sophia Avery, MA- Christian Therapist and Donavan Sterling West-Relationship Consultant can be contacted via http://www.ChristianTalkTherapy.com for individual counseling, Couples Counseling, and Marriage Counseling. We also offer a dynamic Pre-Marital Counseling series for engaged or pre-engaged couples! Please visit our website and/or find us on Facebook!
