You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 23-year-old college graduate with a 5-year-old daughter and I have been dating Mr. X for 4 years. After graduating college together, Mr. X and I decided to move to Dallas because it was something HE always wanted to do, and I agreed because there were more job opportunities there. Not long after moving to Dallas, things got really weird between us. Keep in mind, we lived together while we finished undergrad so living together was never an issue.
So, once things got weird, meaning he was acting indifferent towards me, I became a detective. I instantly suspected he was seeing someone else, but he whole-heartedly denied it and asked when he would have time because all he does is go to work and come home. I tried to let it go but couldn’t. One night he didn’t come home and this was very unsettling to me so I used Aprint family locator to find out where he was. Of course he lied, so again I tried to let it go. But one day, I decided to call his phone and check his voicemail. There was an unfamiliar number, so I decided to call it back. I called and asked this young lady if she knew Mr. X and she said, ‘Yes, that’s my boyfriend!’ My heart broke instantly.
Mr. X is 25 years old and the girl he was seeing is an 18-year old senior in high school (Oh, and she’s white!) After realizing that the night he didn’t come home, he was with her at a hotel room (nothing happened is what the girl told me), he apologized and apologized and even asked me to marry him (I declined!), but I did try to give him another chance.
I went to spend Christmas with my daughter and her grandparents in another city, but I came back to Dallas for New Year’s. While I was away, me and Mr. X talked every day and he assured me I was his focus and he was done with the little girl! On New Year’s Day, I had a feeling he wasn’t being quite honest so I called the young girl and asked her were they still involved. She said YES! And, beyond that, he had taken her to a hotel (I’m being nice by saying hotel, it was a motel) and they actually had sex this time (he confirmed, too!) I was livid, but for some odd reason I tried yet again to give him a chance. A few days later I contacted the girl again and she said they have still been communicating, so I changed my number and was done. Once he realized I was serious, he popped up at my apartment and called the young lady in front of me and ended things. So now we’re trying to work things out again, but he doesn’t want to move back in and he’s basically not trying to give me the relationship we had before he cheated! What do I do? I’ve moved to Dallas with my young daughter. I have NO family here so he is the ONLY person I know in the area! I really just feel abandoned. I need advice ASAP! – Trapped In Dallas
Dear Ms. Trapped In Dallas,
Girl, you need some No-Doze sleeping pills in your life because clearly you have fallen asleep at the wheel and this fool is driving you crazy.
I can’t believe that after you discovered he was cheating with an 18-year-old high school student that you took him back. I mean, come on sweetie! I understand that you have four years of commitment with this man, but damn! And, then you called the girl, she confirmed everything, he even admitted to it, and you’re asking me what to do? You must have gotten your college degree from online in another country. You can’t be that oblivious.
I, for one, don’t condone couples moving together out of state. No ma’am. Especially if you’re moving to a larger city. I have seen too many couples move out of state together only to break up months or years later. Why? Because, you’re in a new city with new people, and a new environment. And, the candy shop is open and ready to serve. There are some fierce blow-pop suckers, jolly ranchers, jaw breakers, and red cherries ready to be licked, sucked, and devoured. If you catch my drift. Hell, your man wasn’t even in Dallas good enough and he found a young tender to pop it off with. I can only imagine the other women he’s getting it in with. Oh, girl, don’t sit there and be naïve and think she is the only one. Chile, boo! There are other women. You just caught the 18-year-old. I mean, and although you didn’t say it in your letter, but you made reference to the fact that he wasn’t in the home any longer. Which means he got himself a bachelor pad to set up shop to bring all his little jump-offs and live the single life, yet keep you around because you’ve held him down for four years, but he still wants to sow his wild oats. Girl, you better let him go ride the bulls and hope he gets stuck by one of those steers.
One thing I don’t like is your self-defeating attitude: your ‘woe is me’ and ‘I’m the victim’ attitude. You moved to Dallas on a hope and dream that Mr. X sold you, and you bought into it. You’ve uprooted your life with the desire to be a family with Mr. X, who’s been committed prior to moving to Dallas, yet, now you feel it’s in the best interest of you and your child to stay with a man who will lie, cheat, manipulate and deceive you. Hmm, are you waking up from that slumber yet?
Looks, Ms. Trapped In Dallas, you can only be trapped in another state and feel victim if you want to. No one is making you do anything you don’t want to do. I understand you feel hurt, and you believed in Mr. X and stood by his side, but now it’s time to buck up and get yourself together. It’s time to let him go, move on, and as you’ve already done, change your phone number, get new locks on your door, and stop opening the door for him to return. He is not going to change. He is not looking to be committed right now in a relationship with you. He’s proven that when he lied to you and stepped out. He’s proven to you that he wants to live his life, alone, yet keep stringing you along for his ride on his horse and pony show. Honey, you better rope that calf by the ankles and flip Mr. X on his back. I am going to say it again, and loudly with bold caps, HE HAS CHEATED, HE IS CHEATING, AND HE WILL CONTINUE TO CHEAT. Now, I hope you do realize that you don’t have to stay in Dallas. You can move. Yes, darling, you can pack your bags, and take your daughter to whole other state, there are plenty of them with good jobs, and wonderful, smart, intelligent, beautiful men who wouldn’t mind being with a woman such as yourself. No more sitting around waiting on him to call with those fake alibi’s and fake marriage proposals. Girl, he is about as serious as that fake ass sorry he keeps giving you each time you catch him cheating. But, you’ve got to see yourself as valuable and worthy. You’ve got to recognize your own beauty and stop being defined by Mr. X and his philandering ways. If you don’t stand up for yourself and stop being a doormat for him, then he will keep wiping his feet on you because he knows you will let him back. Stop entertaining him, and his lies. UGH! It’s not worth it. Honey, if you want entertainment, then go the movies, concert, or a play. But, this drama you got going with him is a Tyler Perry play, I’m just waiting on Madea to come out and read you the riot act. And, keep in mind he is cheating with a little girl, a teenager. What the hell do they have in common and possibly could be talking about? Other than sex, what is he doing, helping her with her homework? Honey, you better get to stepping and I mean high stepping it out of there, and in the words of author Terry McMillan, you better get your groove back! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!