Is Love enough when there are Sexual issues? Part 1 – When he/she can’t
When we think of successful relationships, we think of love, respect, finances, communication, compatibility, friendship, and of course, sex. The most successful relationships require attention in all of these areas on a regular basis in order to keep both parties happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately, we find that if even one of these areas isn’t functioning properly, the entire relationship will suffer; and if sexual relations is the area that’s suffering, the entire relationship may sour. In considering the importance of sex in a marriage or serious relationship, we find it necessary to split the topic into three parts because of the extensive number of issues that may occur in each situation. Today, Part 1 will focus on sexual issues that occur when your mate can’t perform. In considering this issue, we’ve identified three areas that may contribute to your partner’s inability to perform or find pleasure in sexual relations: medical conditions, unresolved emotional issues, and physical compatibility.
Physical health plays a major role in our ability to enjoy sex with our mate. When our health suffers, our love making will suffer. Think about the last time you or your partner had a cold or the flu. Were you in the mood for love? Was sex even on your mind? Were you turned on by all the coughing, sneezing, and nose-blowing? Of course not! Fortunately, a cold or flu is usually gone in ten days, so it’s not a major issue to avoid sex until you’re feeling better. But, what if you or your mate has something more serious such as High blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, fibromyalgia, fibroid tumors, or lupus that affects their ability to have and/or enjoy sex? These medical conditions are chronic and, therefore, the sexual issue is a lot more serious. It is very possible that your mate, who suffers from one or more of these issues, may not be able to engage sex. The conditions and even the medications for High blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes, all common in African-americans, can cause erectile dysfunction, rendering a male incapable to getting or maintaining an erection long enough to engage in sexual intercourse. Fibromyalgia and lupus, both common in women of color, cause lots of joint and body pain, and fatigue, while fibroid tumors usually cause abnormally long and heavy menstrual cycles in addition to discomfort and fatigue. In addition, women may suffer from physical conditions that cause severe to extreme pain before, during and after intercourse due to a condition called dyspareunia, or the more severe form—vaginismus. Because of the pain associated with sex due to these conditions, a woman can lose all desire for sexual intimacy, and then start to avoid all types of physical contact with her partner due to her belief that any contact can lead to sex. It’s clear that the desire for sexual intercourse may be seriously diminished if your spouse or partner has any type of serious chronic medical condition.
Unresolved emotional issues resulting from sexual trauma can also cause sexual dysfunction in a relationship. Many people have experienced sexual trauma, sexual abuse, and other types of inappropriate sexual activity during childhood, during the adolescent or teen years, or as a young adult. Too often, however, we never seek or receive counseling for the emotional scars that remain from those traumatic experiences, and they linger in our subconscious rendering us incapable of enjoying a loving and fulfilling sexual relationship with our partner. In addition, you may have acquired inappropriate behaviors or questionable sexual appetites from those same traumatic experiences that may cause concern, problems, or offense to your mate causing either you or your mate to avoid sex altogether. What do we mean by unresolved emotional issues resulting from sexual trauma? Some of the most commons types of sexual trauma that can impair your ability to function in a committed adult relationship are same-sex molestation as a child, opposite sex molestation, incest (parent, sibling or other relative), rape, being introduced to sex at a young age via pornography, inappropriate role-play or fondling as a child (with another child of similar age), and using sex to control, escape or numb painful emotions. All of these types of trauma can cause difficulty in the sexual relations of a couple, and they all require intervention by a qualified professional. Therefore, it is critical to be open and honest with your mate about any traumatic emotional experiences that involved sex. This is particularly crucial for men who, as young people, were molested, fondled, or participated in sexual activity that causes them guilt, embarrassment or shame because they think what happened to them as children may change their mate’s perception of them. It’s vitally important, for both men and women, to put your shame, guilt and embarrassment aside and seek help, together, to understand how to manage and/or heal those emotional wounds from the past and prevent them from destroying the intimacy in your relationship.
Physical compatibility is probably the most common issue couples suffer when dealing with sexual satisfaction and fulfillment and it has been widely debated and discussed. The usual question is, “Does size matter?” When this question is posed, most people immediately think it applies to men. But is this only a male issue or can it be posed to women? Let’s consider the question from both perspectives. Both men and women seem to have plenty to say about size. For men, enjoyment can be affected by elasticity, lubrication, hygiene, and technique. If either of these areas is not up to par, pain or lack of fulfillment will result. For women, enjoyment can be affected by rigidity, thickness, length, hygiene, and technique. If either of these areas is not up to par, sex can be painful and unenjoyable. Despite popular belief, physical compatibility can be rectified, somewhat, when two people love each other enough to put their egos aside and place their partner’s happiness and pleasure above their own. If two physically incompatible people are willing to do whatever’s necessary to increase their spouse’s sexual gratification (even to the point of surgery or medication), then a long-term fulfilling relationship can be maintained and enhanced.
Sexual fulfillment is important to the long-term success of an intimate relationship. When a spouse or partner can’t physically perform, however, it’s important to have an honest discussion about the situation without fear of losing love or judgment. In many cases, it’s possible to find a suitable resolution that meets the needs of both partners. Sometimes, however, for couples who struggle with sexual intimacy, love is enough, and both partners agree to forego sexual intercourse and pour their hearts into building their relationship and loving each other in different, mutually satisfying, ways. With creativity, intimacy, love and commitment any sexual issue can be overcome.
