You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have a question for you, now-from a guy’s perspective.
I have always known I am a great “catch”- and before you start on arrogance, sometimes it’s simply the truth. I’m very good looking, I was raised very well by my mother and with my sister to guide me and boost my confidence growing up by showing me off to everybody, and with my brother to boost my “alpha-male” ism to realize that the true alpha male is educated, well mannered, resilient and strong.
I am quite brilliant scholastically and have never had any issues whatsoever in my relations with women-as far as understanding and still being friends with every woman I have ever slept with. With regards to relations I have a very clear picture of the woman I need, and always have. It doesn’t mean I am not attracted to others, but when I know it won’t work-usually almost immediately-I tell the woman and explain why, but offer, if she wants, for us to be intimate-but with the understanding that it will never, ever work-no matter what. Never.
I say this because I’m always working, either on one thing or another, and I know what it means to sometimes just want someone to cook for-in the intimate, flirty way and not the soup kitchen or buffet way. Most women get that, and we get together and we are usually very freaky, mainly because of the basis of us never being more, and within the stipulations of the deal we are very happy until something or other pulls us apart. We then usually part for some time, meet again and we’re friends, because, at least in my case, my lifestyle and behavior changes and having explored whatever side of me that woman appealed to I’m now digging for more. This has been my life-my whole life, until the last one.
Beautiful, and on the surface everything I wanted. I told myself, as I am so capable in forging relationships where we can be as freaky as we want to be that when I settle down if I put in the effort and be adaptable to something I never in my life tried before-the “girlfriend to wife” experience, as I would never date someone who isn’t wife potential, and therefore had more control over my life.
I didn’t know that the girl had baggage; whereas I live by the “truth hurts, if you’re scared go to church” law where if it’s on the table and you’re ok with it don’t bother me later rule, she was lying about everything, and drama to high heaven and overall, while she was supportive and made for good company when she wanted to, she was such a miserable, unholy monster at a flick of the switch that I was, at the end, dumping her so frequently, before she’d cry, call my mom to “explain” then my mom would tell me to be “more forgiving and more understanding”-and I would try, taking the adage “playing the fool in the relationship” to the next level, before more drama and the cycle continued.
I finally called her on it, and told her to either shape up or we’re done-and she left. This was seven years into the relationship, if we don’t count an 11 month courtship where she was studying me and portraying herself as my compatible mate.
It took me another six months or more of counseling before I was ok with it all-there was even more drama and revelations after she left, and honestly a movie of the week could not tell it better. I, when it was done and she was asking for friendship and I told her the same qualities of friends are those of lovers-so all the lies and games needed to be addressed and answered for, gave her the option of earning my friendship by facing what she did and the harm it caused.
She refused, and became belligerent and even more drama came out of it. My mom, who knows how I keep the world away with only two close friends that I’ve known 26 years and we still call each other on birthdays and our families are close-besides my family, with the rest of the world distant acquaintances defined by purpose (co worker, gym partner, etc) begged me to understand that we all have our problems and to forgive. I told her forgive doesnt mean to continue to put up with, and with this girl not addressing her -ish it would only happen again, even as a friend.
A year and a half of her messaging over something and my being civil and answering, then trying to talk to me and when I bring up the point I made belligerent behavior to cut the talk short, just to do it again, and will birthdays and holidays and everything having passed, she this year sends me a happy birthday greeting.
Now, to me, this was absolute madness. Granted, she has made a point to maintain friendships with my family-the females, anyway, and I have no problem with that-they know not to talk about me with her, and we’re seeing if the roots will hold or if after not getting info on me she will eventually drift, but her and I are not friends.
I don’t believe I could ever hate someone-I have disgust for certain ways, and that sort of thing, but even now can say I have never hated, and I especially don’t hate someone I spent eight years trying like I feel people should to understand and forgive and work with-but I made plain as day that her disrespect and unwillingness to respect my needs to move forward makes her unwelcome-over and over again.
A year and a half later, and I am so thoroughly turned off from relationships of any sort that I have turned down many lovely women-including one who blasted me dumb, completely unable to even explain that I was going down the block when we bumped into each other-and we know each other, because if anything she was even more beautiful than when I last saw her-and again, if you understand my life and ways that just doesn’t happen, except for her and the ex, and I have become even more reclusive in nature, putting together two businesses that are now running themselves and working on yet another degree while working in my chosen field and still accepting contract work for a field in some other degrees I have.
I guess my question is: is this woman simply crazy-or evil, trying to push the limits of my patience and understanding for some reason known only to her? There’s no attraction or want left-just the same level of “what’s wrong with people today” that I generally reserve for everyone. Even my mom understood how inappropriate it was to send me greeting after essentially telling me to be friends but my feelings don’t matter for a year and a half, and she didn’t back her up, for once.
I’m all about “if you know you have issues and are willing to face them then ok, if you want, I will help” and that sort of thing-but this doesn’t seem to be that. Malice is not a prerequisite for anti-social behavioral disorders, either, so my not picking up ill intent doesn’t mean anything, either.
Should I want to be friends with such a person? How best do I hammer home the annoyance I feel at explaining the dynamics of the obvious to someone who has known and lived with me for close to a decade? Ideally, if I am able to be friends with casual ones then someone like that-it would be nice to at least be able to say hi in passing, and maybe emailing on the b-day…what do you think and suggest? Even thinking about this only turns me off more of dealing with the madness of a new relationship-or even something like I had before. I have gone “black monk” style, and as I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or anything that really was my last vice.
~To give you an even better picture-I hated candy growing up, spinach stew is my favorite anything-only if my mom makes it, buying a new book is the equivalent of a Friday “night out” for me, I carry less than 7% body fat, speak four different languages, four degrees-almost at five, no kids, no debt, and I love to cook-and am a great one. I hate to clean and it’s usually my woman that I’ll make be the sociable one, and with a few smiles and nods I’m sociable by default-unless there’s a purpose, then I’m fine, but “small talk” kills me-especially “just because.” My closest friends are an Engineering Professor and the other is a Chef and I picked up my love of reading from my father and brother, and my father and I would translate the Bible in our spare time together.
My mom’s pastor shares the same birthday as I do, and we argue all the time on issues of the bible; I have made a life study of various spiritual and religious ways of being and thought.
I also have 26 years of martial arts, competed for 13, have stitched my own wounds, have beaten up 60 guys while working full time as a bouncer and going to school full time-by myself, I never believe that “but and because” is an excuse for poor behavior, and, like I said, whatever I wanted-to sleep with twin sisters, a girl and her best friend, one of my supply teachers, a girl in a…you get the point, my rule was be honest and let her, as a grown woman, decide. So, I think I’m a good man and in need of an idea of the most “right” way of handling someone who seems to want to be in contact, despite so many evil things, because of the years and the effort I put in and the tragic sad feel I have about it all, and whether simply telling her “call me when you can face your evil ways-otherwise never-ever call me, unless something comes up that absolutely no one else that you know of on God’s Earth can help you with. Also, I’ll never lend you money, but I will give it to you, on the premise that you can never ask for that type of help again. A one time favour!” is sufficient to warrant never replying and blocking her emails until some indicator of that day comes. Thanks and looking forward to this. – An Educated Man
Dear Mr. An Educated Man,
I wish I could reach through this computer and punch you in the brain! What the hell kind of –ish are you on sending me a 3 PAGE LETTER! Boy, you ain’t Aaliyah (God Rest Her Soul), and you didn’t even seal it with a kiss.
Chile, I swear, after reading your letter I got an insider’s look into what an educated fool must look and sound like. You spend so much time working on you and fixing yourself up to be this great catch, and one woman came in and tore it all down. LMBAO! I can’t, but I loves it! But, you know what, I bet you got a small d**k because ain’t no way you can have all them degrees, foreign language skills, companies you’ve created, debating on religious philosophies with a pastor, no debt, no kids, good-looking, and a great cook, and not be overcompensating for something. Chile, puhlease, miss me!
This woman, with all her drama, lies, baggage, bull-ish, and manipulation created havoc in your life for seven years before you discovered any of it and then you called her on it, and she decided to bounce. WOW! Uhm, but, who’s the big dummy? Yeah, I’m giving you a big fat “F” for FOOL!
Here’s the thing, Mr. All-That-Education-Body-Brain-But-No-Common-Sense, before you started dating seriously you courted her for 11 months, and you mean to tell me that in that courting period you didn’t recognize, or see any indicators of her ill-behaviors? I truly doubt it and don’t believe you didn’t see any signs of her conniving ways. I’m sure you were caught up, and like most people do when they are really into someone, you dismissed the tell-tale signs and figured she would change, or you would change her. And, everyone who reads my column knows what I’m about to say, and I need for the entire class to say it with me, “When people show you who they are believe them.”
Trust me, in those 11 months she displayed some of those behaviors, but you chose to dismiss them. That’s because you figured your book smarts, that big ass ego (wait, where’s my needle so I can deflate some of that air in your head), and believing your own hype (chile, I can see you now pumping your hand in the air cheering yourself on and giving yourself a pat on the back).
But, even the bigger mistake you made after you broke it off with her and she wanted to be friends, you present her with the proposition that to be her friend is that of the same qualities of friends are those of lovers. I see why you don’t have many female friends, and I’m certain many readers will see why some men can’t be friends with women.
No, you don’t need to be friends with her. But, you left the door open and she is not going anywhere, because like you, there is some unfinished business that you two need to resolve. If you want her completely out of your life then block her emails, block her calls or change your number, return any packages she sends to your home, and the women in your family need to stop being friends with her. What they hell they got to talk about? Why is she still coming to the house and hanging around? As long as she sees a door open she is coming in, and unfortunately you haven’t shut the door. So, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!
And, another thing I noticed in your LONG DRAWN OUT PROSEY ASS LETTER is that you are a momma’s boy. Yup. You sure are. You rely a lot on your mother and she interferes in your affairs. You need to get off the titty. You’re too damn old to be running to your momma crying and whining about a woman who did you wrong. Really? Really! You’re going to sit in your momma’s lap and let her stroke your ego and tell you that you are her little man and she ain’t going to let nobody hurt you. And, then she goes into the kitchen and prepares for you your favorite spinach stew to make it all better. Man, get the “F” out of here.
You got a lot of nerve bragging about your attributes, the amount of women you’ve had and conquered (That’s a hoe in my book), and swinging your little ass nuts like you’re King Kong. Then, you go even further to say how you can speak four different languages –working on a fifth, yet you can’t speak the language of love. The last relationship got you so shook that you can’t even think straight. You’re afraid to get in another relationship. You brag about beating up 60 guys while working as a bouncer when you were in school, yet one woman came along and slayed your ass. Knocked you the f**k out!
Look, Mr. An Educated Man, you loved, gave a woman your heart, and she played you. She manipulated and deceived you. Yes, I know it hurts. It’s hard to let someone go when you’ve been with them for 8 years, and you lived together, only to discover they were not the person they presented themselves to be. Yes, we all get hurt. We all have experienced a love lost. We all have been manipulated or deceived at one time or another, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move on. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever find love again, or even live happily ever after in a beautiful world made up of romance and passion. But, the only way to get there is to let go of the past. You can’t move forward holding on to the past. You can’t make any progression holding on to what happened, and what someone did to you. Let it go. Learn to forgive her, and yourself. You’re hurting because you want to know, “How did I let this happen to me?” You’re smart, educated, good-looking, and have everything a woman would desire, yet, you didn’t recognize someone who would take advantage of you. You may say you moved on, but if you have then why is she still coming around? If you don’t want her around, and want her out of your life, then stop letting her in. Stop communicating with her. UGH! A person can only enter your life with your permission. Stop granting her access, and I mean cut off all ties. You’re a smart man, I’m certain one of those academia books got something in there on how to cut people off. Or, something you learned in martial arts class on how to chop and drop kick someone out of your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
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